Facebook and blogs?

I am really not sure this whole blog thing is for me...or facebook for that matter. As for the blog- I keep thinking "what is the point of this really?" and how is this supposed to be beneficial to me-besides the fact that I write shit down...get out my feelings, blah, blah blah. But if that is the case, I can just pick up a goddamn pen and write in my journal. As for the facebook thing- I have tried to "participate" but it feels like a popularity club or something and I hate that shit. I feel funny about it cause I just helped Philip sign up and now I am questioning whether it is a good thing, but this is just how I feel at the moment. maybe I will change my mind tomorrow, but maybe not. Sometimes I get so damn tired of the scene and feeling like I am not cool enough. The only person that I really enjoy on facebook is Cindy Benbow and that is because Cindy is real. She struggles with shit, she doesn't judge me and she likes to have fun-she plays scramble with me for god's sake. I guess I am just in a foul mood. Here's the rub: I am writing this on my blog-how stupid is that?

Sensitivity Sucks

I wish I wasn't so sensitive.

walking in the woods

First time in I don't know when I went for a hike...took the two old dogs. We were going to walk by the lake but they were chompin at the bit for some free roaming time so I opted for Guilford Wooods instead. No matter. It felt good to get off my ass and move. (I don't know who is in worse shape me or those poor dogs). I started smelling the air when I was walking and it made me remember all the hikes I used to go on when I lived out West. I don't know why I forget the peacefulness that I get when I do this. Not to mention that it tires me out which is good because then I don't think so much. Sometimes I think (get it think?) that I think too much. The stinkin thinkin they call it so aptly in alanon.

Ebbing and Flowing

Thinking about what I need to do to get over this slump that I am in- don't really know-other than the usual things-going to meetings, counseling, etc. It is just frustrating because I am coming to the slow realization that I am probably going to be ebbing and flowing through these periods for the rest of my life. Or at least until I am too old to give a crap. I mean I knew that was the case on one level. I guess I am grappling with the idea that there isn't an end to it, no destination. For some reason Anne Sexton's poem keeps coming up in my head-"The Awful Rowing Towards God": "...this story ends with me still rowing." maybe what I should be saying instead of getting over the slump is moving through this slump, listening to what this slump has to say to me.

Art and Fear

Reading this book my sister gave me for my birthday called "Art and Fear". It is really good for me to be reading this at this point and time in my life because I do feel like I have let fear keep me from pursuing my artistic interests on a consistent basis. I always feel like I am not good enough, that I have nothing new to say, that I will be viewed as silly etc. It is especially poignant that I am reading it right now because I am in a depression- a depression that was perhaps brought on by my daughter's illness, but whose roots lie much deeper and go much further back. As I was reading, I was listening to Pandora-this great website that opens up worlds of music. Anyway- I was listening to Karen Dalton, this obscure blues musician, and this led to a whole series of musicians, most of whom were not well-known and yet, as Philip said, they were all making incredible music. In the book, the author says the very struggles that can be our obstacles to working on our art can also be the strengths that we bring to our craft. I had never really thought about this. One thing I worry about is how my depression is manifesting itself- it seems to be the antithesis of creating anything. I am tired all the time, irritable, on the verge of tears most days. How can I move through what seems to be a stifling period in my life and tap into the wisdom that I can gleam from this book, from my alanon meetings, from my communion with those I love, from nurturing myself? Baby steps, I guess. Patience. Forgiveness. Tolerance.

I am tired. I am tired and anxious. Just had a meeting yesterday with the group home manager and a bunch of others because they forgot to take my daughter to an important therapy appointment and then they lied about it. It is the dishonesty that gets to me. I work so hard to set up a good support system for her and then something like this happens and I just feel defeated and exasperated. It is difficult not being resentful and angry because it is never-ending work. Sometimes I can manage it all; other times I just want to throw up my hands and scream "I give up!" I know I can't give up and I won't-but right now I feel like I am running on empty. I have so little energy left to give to myself, to the others in my life who need me. I know I need to go to an alanon meeting soon just so I can keep my shit together. I just wish today was Thursday. All day long I have been thinking it was Thursday- I guess it was just some subconscious desire. We have been invited to a 4th of July party but I don't want to go. I feel so awkward when I go to those parties. I just don't feel connected to very many people these days. It is hard because Philip does feel connected and wants to go. It just seems we are on different pages at the moment. We need some time for the two of us. We haven't had that in a long time. Even when we went to the beach, we didn't have any time for just the two of us. Learning to balance the demands and needs of all the people in our lives is really hard to do sometimes.

Discharge # 3

Got a call yesterday from Anna, the social worker at Umstead. She said they were planning to release S. this Wednesday. I am filled with anxiety. I know S. is as well. While I know that staying at the hospital is not the answer, I worry that the transition to a group home might be overwhelming for S. Now with the problems she seems to be having with eating, I fear that she will suffer a setback. yet, what can I do-except hope that this is not going to happen and try to trust that she can do this. I wish we were not leaving for the coast so soon after she moves to the group home. It worries me to be so far away during that first week. What if she needs me? What if she has a crisis? I am trying to change my relationship with S. Trying not to be such a "mom" and, instead, to respect her as an autonomous person. When she refuses to take her new meds, I have to stop myself from freaking out and try to just listen and offer advice only if she solicits it. I find that I am more helpful to her if I can just provide her with the support she needs-doctors, nutritionist, therapists, school support rather than nagging her when I think she is making poor choices. But it is hard. When your child is making mistakes, you want to go in and rescue them, fix everything so that she is safe-but that is impossible. Maybe when she is a small baby, but once she becomes a teenager, you have to learn to back off and find that oh-so-fragile-balance between taking care of her and letting her figure things out for herself. I used to think that being a mom of a toddler was the hardest thing. Now, I see that being a mom of a teenager is even more difficult. Or difficult in a different way. I think it has to do with learning to see your child as her own person-someone who is struggling to find her way in the world. We all must go through this. My mother couldn't do it for me, so why should I believe I could do that for her? And why would I want to? (Okay, I know why. Because I know from my own experiences that it is so easy to fall, so easy to make painful choices.) I have to keep reminding myself of this. I have to ask myself "what did I need when I was a teenager?" I want to be a good mother. What does that look like? I think for me it is to be a better listener. To be less of an advice-giver, micro-manager and more of a model of 'wise mind'. To hold my daughter in the light, to trust her good nature, to believe her capable of finding her way.