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paracelsian ponderings

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Sensitivity Sucks

I wish I wasn't so sensitive.
Posted by Melusine at 7:01 AM

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Blog Archive

  • ▼ 2008 (22)
    • ▼ July (6)
      • Facebook and blogs?
      • Sensitivity Sucks
      • walking in the woods
      • Ebbing and Flowing
      • Art and Fear
      • I am tired. I am tired and anxious. Just had a mee...
    • ► June (1)
      • Discharge # 3
    • ► May (7)
      • Just Another Day
      • The ups and downs of meds
      • The blahs
      • faith
      • living with madness
      • tormented
      • I am feeling discombobulated -SP? (what a great wo...
    • ► April (8)
      • Old Man
      • what do ya do?
      • on the road...again
      • To David
      • Restlessness. Some days I struggle with this so mu...
      • heard it on the x
      • road trip
      • From ‘Paracelsus’ By Robert Browning (1812–1889)...
 

Melusine

There have been moments in my life when I felt the mystery of god-though to call what I felt "god" makes me uneasy. Up on Big Mountain in Colorado as I watched storm clouds converge and pour down torrents of rain, I felt my soul had been cleansed of all the "bad things" that I had done to myself, to others. By a river in Costa Rica where I silently watched a swarm of giant blue morpho butterflies, I felt the terrible beauty that lies at the heart of life and death. Holding my newborn daughter's wisp of a hand as we listened to "This Mortal Coil" along the riverbank of the Seine, a flock of birds crossed overhead and I felt this moment transcended time, that it would stamp out a mark on my memory that I would recall many years later. My daughter is now 14. She has been hospitalized three times in the past three months. I don't know how to reach her. I don't know how to help her. I keep hoping that she will find her own way, her own path toward wholeness. But I must admit, there are many days where I still feel raw, where I still feel fragmented. How can I possibly guide her to wellness when I am not sure I have arrived there myself?